Want/Need

February 21, 2012. In precisely three months, on May 21, 2012, I will be boarding a flight back to the root of all current financial crisis evil, Europe. More poetically, half of this chapter of my life is written and the second half will start being penned down today. The countdown has officially begun.

Which makes today the symbolically perfect day to share a thought that came to my mind the other day and has been stuck with me ever since. And no, I wasn’t breathing fresh air on the top of a mountain with a beautiful skyline in front of me when it hit me, I was just carrying bags full of groceries on my way from the supermarket back to my house (I’m sure Hollywood writers will prefer the first scenario once my life is set to become a fictional blockbuster). My first reaction was to remember it  for when I write the very last post of the blog. But why wait? It’s a feeling I have right now and it might change so let’s see if in three months time I still agree with my own mid-term assessment. Thus, I suddenly realize, while holding milk in one hand and bananas on the other, that New Zealand is all I wanted it to be. More, it is everything I needed it to be.

In the name of the Patron Saint of Unoriginality and Life Clichés, I admit that one of the main motivations to come so far away was to run from myself, to start over (Hollywood will keep this cheesy part, I’m sure). I wanted to be less of me, a better me, a different me. I wanted to live what I didn’t, to experience what I didn’t, to have the courage to put myself in the edge of a proverbial cliff and jump like I never did. In sum, to push my boundaries and see how far I was able to go. And so I did it. On all accounts. And every outcome proved to be a life lesson. Specially on two specific subjects.

First, the most obvious one. Being single, after seven years with someone, was a severe case of ‘now what?’. New Zealand promptly provided the answer to that question. Mostly, I crashed and burned but there are no regrets to be found in that pain. I pushed my emotional limitations to the edge, overcoming some and resigning myself to the fact that others will always be there. But now I know exactly how far can I go and most importantly, I know where I should go.

Second, money and all its friends. I crossed the world at the costs my own personal sacrifices – working hard, saving hard, asking my parents for support and spending as little as I can on trivial things while here. This means that sometimes (many times) I can’t go to the movies, paid events or to restaurants like everybody else. While most people understand and some even offer to help, asking nothing in return, others make a point of calling me cheap, make fun of my lack of money and simply excluding me from the get go. I won’t lie and say I’m above it. Being in a constant financial lockout is exhausting by itself, let alone with outspoken voices reminding me of it. Nevertheless, and despite the fact that dealing with it is not easy, I am glad for the thicker skin it is giving me. It is specially thickening the conviction that I will never let my birthplace determine where I am going no matter how much people who have it easy mock me for the priorities I need to impose myself in order to be able to get there.

So far, for all of the lessons learned in NZ, I got much more than I wanted, I got what I needed.